(the water soaked her blonde hair black)

[riverdresses]

The First Annual "Because We Are Awesome" Drabble-a-thon, as hosted by medie.

Everyone. GO. SUBMIT PROMPTS. Or just pimp it out. It looks awesome & I CANNOT wait to see the awesome ficlets that'll come out of it. My prompts are here & OMG, HOW HAPPY AM I TO SEE THAT I WAS NOT THE FIRST GIRL TO OFFER TEN/REINETTE PROMPTS. Look!

Hmm. I wasn't going to update for a bit, since I've been updating so much & I'm just so boring, but since I'm here, I might as well.

I'm trying to read a bit more, lately. I finished The Time Traveler's Wife yesterday & started House of Leaves today. I loved The Time Traveler's Wife, even though it made me so sad at the end & in certain places. It's beautifully written though, & made me think lots of Rose & Ten. House of Leaves is good so far, very spooky & twisty & scary. I wasn't going to buy it at all today, but whe I contemplated putting it back, I had a sensation that I often get, of a book that I'm thinking of buying, or reading, getting stuck to my hand & not letting me put it back. That happens a lot to me & I never regret paying for said book.

& I realised yesterday why I don't like to buy used books as much as I used to.

You see, when I go into a secondhand bookshop, no matter how big it is, I am instantly overcome with feelings I can't describe very well . . . it's like being hit with so much knowledge & memory & nostalgia all at once & it can be very overwhelming. For me, I enjoy the feeling very much, but it can get so intense that I actually have to close my eyes & stop moving for a bit, just to process everything. Sometimes it helps if I touch the spines. Or when I (seeeeeeeeeecretly!) rest my head on them & take a few deep breaths. It's just feeling so much when I go inside. It always happens, but less intensely, if it's a place I've been in before.

Then, I feel almost guilty when I buy something, at times. Secondhand books can be very intimate things, I think. You never know who owned them before, how much they loved them, why they gave them up in the first place. When I open the cover, hear it crack, inhale the scent of the pages, it's like stealing a peek into a person's life. Secretly knowing them without ever seeing their faces. Skipping the awkward chitchat & cutting deep to the bone of a person.

It's the easiest way to know a person - through their books. Especially if they're marked & underlined & folded over at the bottoms. You want to run your fingers down the pages & try to glean why this passage meant so much to them that they chose to underline it in soft lead or number two pencil, or why it held such knowledge to them that they folded down the corners of the pages to always keep those words close.

It really is like looking into a person's mind, especially if the book is so clearly loved.

I like to mark my own books up. To buy them new, savour the virgin scent, rub the paper between my fingers, know that it's free to be imprinted with my thoughts & feelings. Every book to me can be like a diary of how I feel about it, if it's new. If not, my thoughts will just conflict with those of it's last holder & I'll just get so confused & not know what's mine or theirs anymore.

So I like to buy mine new. Buy mine new, slather them with my thoughts, my opinions, my emotions. Mark the pages recklessly, noting everything, writing little spontaneous things in the margins, bending & double bending & triple bending the bottoms to remember everything.

Always in pencil. The impermanence of ink lasts just a little too long on books for me. I hate it. Pencil please.

♥♥♥

Acquired more Doctor Who for my iPod today! She now has The Shakespeare Code, The Sound of Drums/Last of the Time Lords, School Reunion & The Girl in the Fireplace on her now! Tomorrow will be The Idiot's Lantern, then some non-iPod stuffs.

& I also have a new layout, friends-only banner & pretty new userinfo! Go seeeee!

galadarling's outfit for today is so awesome! & her story is most lovely to read.

& I've taken this version from shanaqui, because I like the way she does it better!

Take at least six new photographs every day for a week. No skipping. Post your photographs each day, sometime after the last picture is taken. You can babble about them as much or as little as you want!

I need to do more creative sort of things. More reading. Writing. Photographing. Not be so lazy & sluggish in this spring weather.

& lastly.

It's been such a long time since I've actually done anything creative, it feels like. I've been slacking off on doing anything for riverdresses, haven't been writing any fic in my secret notebooks, haven't been taking pictures of anything, haven't even been doing any fanmixes for any of my fandoms. All things I love to do, but I've done nothing.

I suppose it's because of my own lack of confidence in my own abilities to do anything decent, especially where my writing is concerned. When it comes to writing, I am the harshest person on myself & I will never hesitate to condemn my own work as complete shit, which is a) what I do almost one hundred percent of the time, which is why none of you ever actually see it, & b) why I never share it, because I think it's all terrible.

I know, it isn't that healthy to have such low opinions of something you enjoy, but writing is something I tend to take very seriously, particularly when I'm doing it. Well, really, when I do anything, I tend to take it very seriously, which is why I've stopped doing everything creative, I think.

I'm a little less harsh with the things I put into riverdresses. I don't know why. I just am. The things I write in there aren't always as good as I think they can be, but I'm generally always satisfied with how they've turned out. I love writing my pieces for it, & I don't feel like I have to answer to anybody or defend what I put in there. If you don't like it, that's your shit & don't care. It's my zine & I'll continue to write in it as I see fit. Catty opinions just don't bother me as much where riverdresses is concerned. Those with them can get fucked.

Fandom-type writing is always much harder for me, no matter what. There are just so many things you have to remember & it's so easy for people to be very meant to you if they don't like something you've done, or if they just have bitch issues. I'm not brave enough to actually deal with that, so I don't contribute anything anymore. If I do, it's very short & meant for one person only.

& of course, I look at all the lovely ficlets & such in all my fandoms & realise that I just have nothing new to say. Nothing new, nothing that hasn't been told a thousand times over, nothing that would be of any remote interest to anyone but my own self. Nothing new or fresh.

So I don't write anything.

Lately, the above has also applied to any mixes I want to make, so I inevitably end up talking myself out of doing any mixing at all. Or I get halfway through it & realise how much this just sucks. Usually, it works, even if I don't mean for it to, even if it was just a passing thought.

I hate how little self-confidence I have in myself. I envy those who do.

Of course, this could all be just because I think & analyze everything I do way too much. They always used to tell me that on stage. I internalize everything. too much in my head. I overthink it. I know I do, it's very hard for me not to think everything out to the smallest possibility.

& also? I really, really don't like it when people ask me how my writing is. I just don't. Nine times out of ten, I HAVEN'T WRITTEN ANYTHING IN MONTHS. STOP ASKING ME. I HATE IT. & there is NO n ice way to get out of it, short of lying, & sometimes I don't want to lie. But telling the truth is just far too awkward for me. I just wish people would stop asking.

Comments

[thisissirius.livejournal.com]

the whole things i utterly gorgeous and definitely you, betsy! ♥

[riverdresses.livejournal.com]

mwheeee! aww, thankyou sweetie! ::kisskissKISS::

[colonel-taisa.livejournal.com]

*looks at the first part of your post*

And you don't have faith in your writing... to that I say, pfft. You have a way with words, stop being so hard on yourself!

Though I cannot write in books. I literally cringe at the thought, even just in pencil. The one exception I make is for books I'm studying in class, but even then I'm reluctant to do it.
That might have something to do with 85% of the books I read being borrowed from the library XD

I noticed your new layout yesterday, is very pretty =)

[vaeltaa.livejournal.com]

That drabble-a-thon is fantastic. *goes off to submit prompts* :D

[shanaqui]

I really want to read House Of Leaves! Let me know more about it as you read more?

And I love the way you talk about second hand books. I don't mark my books, but I totally know what you mean about handling other people's old books.

[monkeyman.livejournal.com]

You should really come here and explore my library. :)

[nyoka.livejournal.com]

I like you. I don't remember when we friended or how (SPN, me thinks?) but I really enjoy your posts. I'm always just nodding my head, going yeah, I totally feel you.

The way you describe your experience with second-hand books. Oh, god. I'm so there with you 100%. And I get how you are feeling about doing more creative things. I keep wanting to just dive in and be uber-creative. Painting, photography, fiction and poetry. But alas...I'm also my own harshest critic. I typically hate everything I write/create. It's sad. That's why it takes me so long to even post even fanfic. I overthink. I stare at a screen until my eyes bleed. Grrr.

But keep your head up, hon. Self-confidence is so important. An you can't let the lack of it stop you from something you love. That's something I'm still struggling to learn

PS: It's so awesome that you have a perzine. I would love to read your writing. I hope you do take up fanfic again. Sure everything's been said. It's all about the way you say it, right?

I love that PJ Harvey song ♥

[riverdresses.livejournal.com]

::snuggles::

Of COURSE you'd say that, you just want me to write you lots of Lorne-shaped porn & possibly some Jack/Ten. I KNOW YOOOOOU. ;)

(But seriously, thankyoooou. ♥♥♥)

[riverdresses.livejournal.com]

ISN'T IT? :D :D

[riverdresses.livejournal.com]

I shall do! I'm not too far into it, but I am really enjoying what I have read so far. ^__^

& I'm glad I didn't sound completely daft for most of my post. My relationship with old books is one of my favourite things about going into used bookshops. I never get tired of that rush.

[riverdresses.livejournal.com]

I do believe I'd enjoy that, very much. ::hugs you::

[riverdresses.livejournal.com]

::pinkens:: O, thankyou! Sometimes I look at my posts & just think, 'can I babble aimlessly about things any MORE?'

Books are such amazing, magickal things. It may sound silly to see them in such a way, but beyond storytelling, they really can hold a magick all their own. & for me, they can do so much more than just entertain or educate me. I'm so glad that I'm not the only person who knows this sort of feeling.

& on the subject of creation & such - I remember, long ago, in a playwriting class I took, they used to tell us, just write, don't stop, don't think, don't edit. We'd write first & worry about the technical aspects later. I miss applying that to any of my work. I want to try it again, but it can be so.hard to shut the inner critic up.

(& if you ever wanted me to, I could see about sending you a copy of my first two issuses! :D Admittedly, they're the only things I'd feel comfortable sharing in the world, somehow.)

& PJ Harvey is just so amazing. Is This Desire is my favourite album of hers. It's so beautiful.

[ant-power.livejournal.com]

I feel kind of the same about used bookshops. It's like I don't know where to start, you know???

Also, have you heard the Doctor Who audiobooks read by David Tennant??? If not, I can upload them somewhere for you. And if so, aren't they awesome!!!

I hate people asking me how my writing is too. I've either not done anything or I'm not sure how I feel about what I've done and have no way of talking to whoever is asking about it!!!

[riverdresses.livejournal.com]

WOULD YOU BELIEVE I ACTUALLY MANAGED TO LOSE THIS COMMENT? ::IS FAIL::

O, I haven't, but I've rather wanted to! (David Tennant reading ANYTHING in that voice of his . . . oooooo, so.sexy.omg.) If you'd not object to sharing them with me, I'd love to give them a spin! :D Thankyou for offering!

Meeeeep, why is it that people always have to harass you about your work if you write! If they wrote, they probably wouldn't enjoy it much themselves! ::sighs::

[sonicbookmark.livejournal.com]

*hugs*

I love you so much, babe. :)

♥♥♥

[monkeyman.livejournal.com]

You really, really should come to Toronto some day ... there's so much I'd love to show you.